Getting Engaged and Married and Divorced (I am Clueless Part II)
Sophomore year Becki decided to live on campus. We were in a unique situation. I was now rooming with Ralf, and Becki was rooming with Jamie. It didn't take too many times of me not being able to get into my own room (you know that code for when someone wants privacy,the necktie or a sock on the doorknob? pretty much always there) to decide that it was a good idea to just informally swap rooms. I would sleep in Becki/Jamie's room and Jamie would sleep in mine. It was nice. Yes, two college age people can sleep in one twin bed.
Sophomore year - fewer "circles". I cut way back on the partying, and spent much more time with Becki. My work/study job was in a lab in the Biology dept. so I had nothing to do w/ the theatre groups anymore. Somehow we fought more (we were practically living together - we had more to fight about). In summary, higher highs and lower lows. At the same time - I was becoming disenchanted with my career path (I was pre-med at the time) I felt that the options in Biology outside of the pre-med track at DePaul were limited. Becki was antsy also, I think she wanted to start over (maybe without me?) One day after we reconciled from a fight, I proposed, and she said yes. We planned to transfer to another university together.
I was 19 and naïve, I thought I knew what I was doing. I thought that since we loved each other, we would overcome whatever challenges when we encountered them.
We transferred to The University of Illinois, Champaign-Urbana. Junior year school life was relatively uneventful. Money was tighter, some classes were harder (a few were easier) I missed my support circle for studying.
For two summers Becki went out of state for internships. When she went to Wisconsin, I stayed home, I worked a couple of jobs (pizza delivery and camp counselor for the park district). I missed her terribly and was only able to visit her once over the summer. Becki was not happy that the friends I made being a counselor were mostly girls. She hit the roof when I got a letter form Liz (sorry I never wrote you back Liz - not your fault) After her 2nd summer (University of Washington) - leading up to our senior year something happened. To this day, I am not sure 100% what. Looking back, I think Becki had a mini nervous breakdown, or some other crisis. She decided to take a semester off and go home. (the 2nd half of our Senior year) I suspect she was thinking about weather it was a good idea to get married, but she didn't want to hurt me. Some years later she told me that she turned down someone that asked her out.
I didn't realize it at the time, but looking back at our fights, Becki's insecurities and jealousy (the jealousy was warranted - I was clueless and an idiot - but her level of reaction was out of proportion) she was hurting far more that I knew. She may have been battling depression for a number of years at this point.
We of course still talked (we hadn't broken off our engagement). I felt very much alone, I had difficulty maintaining discipline to go to classes and maintain my grades. I had changed my career goals (again) and starting lining up the classes I would need to get a high school teaching certificate.
We talked about plans for our futures as Becki had also changed her career plans (and major). We checked into studying abroad for a year, and gave that up - we didn't both get into the same program, it was too much money, the logistics would be difficult. We decided on a less ambitious plan, getting married, me getting a job for a year while she caught up. Then we would figure out what was next.
We had a few bumps in the road our first year. For example, money was tight and I didn't allow for enough room on the credit card, we had to call her dad to cover the hotel bill, on our honeymoon. (I didn't know at the time that the car rental company held a large 'deposit' on the credit card when you are under 25--but she was pissed) a couple of other things, overall - things that other newlyweds probably dealt with. I was working (initially at the university, then at Carson Pirie Scott), taking classes at the local community college to fill in the holes in my requirements for the teaching certificate. Becki finished up and we figured out what was next.
Becki found a program she liked for her Masters' of Public Health at NIU and I eventually figured out a way to go back to school full time without taking on any more debt. (Getting into a Masters of Science program, and being a T.A.) After a year in DeKalb we landed a gig as 'house parents" at a sorority that was opening a new house. Things were looking up - but shortly thereafter, the periods of Becki's depression started getting more frequent. Our marriage was starting be strained.
The breaking point was when Becki's brother committed suicide.
Becki spiraled into a depression that she couldn't seem to break out of. She stopped eating. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't know how to support her. I failed her as a husband. After several months we got some professional help. We needed to rebuild our relationship, but first I felt it was more important to get Becki healthy or at least stable. (So therapy for her before couples therapy for us) She had been diagnosed with depression and anorexia and was in therapy. There had been times when medical interventions were necessary. I was so scared that I was going to lose her (that she was going to die). Eventually she started to improve, she was in support groups, both for her anorexia and for survivors of suicide. She was seeing a therapist regularly.
One day she told me (with her therapist) that she believed that something she needed in order to recover was not to be married anymore.
Part of me died.
I was angry and sad and hurt.
My heart was not broken, it was shredded.
I thought back to a few years before - when Becki took that semester off before we got married, she must've had doubts. She loved me enough to not to want to hurt me then. We had made mistakes but we were strong enough to overcome our difficulties, weren't we? I could learn to support her, we could beat this, couldn't we?
It didn't matter what I thought anymore. Becki believed that in order to defeat whatever those demons were, she needed me out of her life. (at least, that as I believed at the time) She knew she was hurting me - and that knowledge was also hurting her. She loved me enough that my pain was hurting her. I thought back to that time that I was so scared, she was hooked up to IV's and heart monitors and whatever else - she would die if I didn't let her go.
We transferred to The University of Illinois, Champaign-Urbana. Junior year school life was relatively uneventful. Money was tighter, some classes were harder (a few were easier) I missed my support circle for studying.
For two summers Becki went out of state for internships. When she went to Wisconsin, I stayed home, I worked a couple of jobs (pizza delivery and camp counselor for the park district). I missed her terribly and was only able to visit her once over the summer. Becki was not happy that the friends I made being a counselor were mostly girls. She hit the roof when I got a letter form Liz (sorry I never wrote you back Liz - not your fault) After her 2nd summer (University of Washington) - leading up to our senior year something happened. To this day, I am not sure 100% what. Looking back, I think Becki had a mini nervous breakdown, or some other crisis. She decided to take a semester off and go home. (the 2nd half of our Senior year) I suspect she was thinking about weather it was a good idea to get married, but she didn't want to hurt me. Some years later she told me that she turned down someone that asked her out.
I didn't realize it at the time, but looking back at our fights, Becki's insecurities and jealousy (the jealousy was warranted - I was clueless and an idiot - but her level of reaction was out of proportion) she was hurting far more that I knew. She may have been battling depression for a number of years at this point.
We of course still talked (we hadn't broken off our engagement). I felt very much alone, I had difficulty maintaining discipline to go to classes and maintain my grades. I had changed my career goals (again) and starting lining up the classes I would need to get a high school teaching certificate.
We talked about plans for our futures as Becki had also changed her career plans (and major). We checked into studying abroad for a year, and gave that up - we didn't both get into the same program, it was too much money, the logistics would be difficult. We decided on a less ambitious plan, getting married, me getting a job for a year while she caught up. Then we would figure out what was next.
We had a few bumps in the road our first year. For example, money was tight and I didn't allow for enough room on the credit card, we had to call her dad to cover the hotel bill, on our honeymoon. (I didn't know at the time that the car rental company held a large 'deposit' on the credit card when you are under 25--but she was pissed) a couple of other things, overall - things that other newlyweds probably dealt with. I was working (initially at the university, then at Carson Pirie Scott), taking classes at the local community college to fill in the holes in my requirements for the teaching certificate. Becki finished up and we figured out what was next.
Becki found a program she liked for her Masters' of Public Health at NIU and I eventually figured out a way to go back to school full time without taking on any more debt. (Getting into a Masters of Science program, and being a T.A.) After a year in DeKalb we landed a gig as 'house parents" at a sorority that was opening a new house. Things were looking up - but shortly thereafter, the periods of Becki's depression started getting more frequent. Our marriage was starting be strained.
The breaking point was when Becki's brother committed suicide.
Becki spiraled into a depression that she couldn't seem to break out of. She stopped eating. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't know how to support her. I failed her as a husband. After several months we got some professional help. We needed to rebuild our relationship, but first I felt it was more important to get Becki healthy or at least stable. (So therapy for her before couples therapy for us) She had been diagnosed with depression and anorexia and was in therapy. There had been times when medical interventions were necessary. I was so scared that I was going to lose her (that she was going to die). Eventually she started to improve, she was in support groups, both for her anorexia and for survivors of suicide. She was seeing a therapist regularly.
One day she told me (with her therapist) that she believed that something she needed in order to recover was not to be married anymore.
Part of me died.
I was angry and sad and hurt.
My heart was not broken, it was shredded.
I thought back to a few years before - when Becki took that semester off before we got married, she must've had doubts. She loved me enough to not to want to hurt me then. We had made mistakes but we were strong enough to overcome our difficulties, weren't we? I could learn to support her, we could beat this, couldn't we?
It didn't matter what I thought anymore. Becki believed that in order to defeat whatever those demons were, she needed me out of her life. (at least, that as I believed at the time) She knew she was hurting me - and that knowledge was also hurting her. She loved me enough that my pain was hurting her. I thought back to that time that I was so scared, she was hooked up to IV's and heart monitors and whatever else - she would die if I didn't let her go.
I sorta-kinda kept tabs on her via her cousin who was a firefighter in Palatine. I had heard that she was getting healthier, that she had started dating
I received a letter from her once, I suspect under the guidance of her therapist. She let me know she was ok, but I could tell it wasn't an overture to reconcile, or to renew our relationship. It wasn't quite a 'goodbye' but I read it many times, trying to figure out what it was. Maybe she was hoping we could be friends? Looking back, I was a jerk, I didn't return her letter, I didn't try and contact her. I told myself that she needed a 'clean break' and she had to move on. If I had to play the 'bad guy' so that she would do that, that's what I would do.
It hurt me that when she sent me the divorce papers, her lawyer listed the cause as 'mental cruelty', I told my lawyer that I wouldn't accept that and to negotiate a 'no fault' divorce. once we on the same page, I didn't contest the divorce. I sent my lawyer in my stead to the court date. I had said my goodbyes
<edited to add below - 06/2022>
<edited to add below - 06/2022>
I didn't take it well. After the separation in summer of 1994, I wasn't 'all there'. I spent a lot of effort 'escaping'. I didn't take finding a career/teaching position very seriously and took a job that didn't really require effort (retail sales). I rekindled my friendship with Todd (and through him met 'the gang' - friends that I still have and mostly cherish, even if I don't see them often, I feel that I am the one being anti-social - made worse since COVID) . For months I sunk into a quasi-depression/funk. I was social, but drank too much, spent too much, took up risky hobbies (skydiving) and in general tried to not deal with my feelings. I put on the act of being 'happy go lucky'. I doubt anyone really knew how much I was hurting. It was neither healthy or mature of me, but I really didn't open up to anyone and share my true feelings.
I wasn't 'in it' mentally / internally for maybe a year or year and a half. I figured out that I needed to 'get on with my life', not that I was sure what that really meant. I had helped Todd renovate a condo that he flipped and we thought maybe we could do that again/repeatedly as a side gig (It didn't work out). I started opening up to the idea of looking for a career path beyond what was available via Circuit City (even though I was doing well there, I didn't feel it was viable long term) and I was ready for companionship - I dated a woman named Kelly for a short while, then had another 'dry spell' before I met Leanne- the story of which I'll save for another post.
I will add that, Leanne wanted a 'church wedding' which meant I had to get an annulment, and attend pre-canna and jump through some hoops for the Arch-diocese. I had to spill my guts (in writing) about why we divorced and why the church should annul our (mine/Becki's) marriage. Of course that also meant that I had to make an effort to get Becki the paperwork, to share her side of the story if she wanted to (or contest the annulment) I had a pleasant conversation with my former mother-in-law and got Becki's address, and sent her the packet.
I found out some time later that she phoned my folks, looking for me (I wasn't living with my parents at this point) and that she vented some anger at my mom. She seriously lost her temper, maybe she still had some demons. Maybe I pissed her off that I cut ties, and only reached out when "I needed something" - the divorce was final for a while by then, I don't know what she expected our relationship to be post divorce (I expected it to be non-existent, I couldn't 'be friends', I certainly didn't want to be an anchor. She opted not to reply the the packet (which delayed the process). I can't say I was surprised. Why open old wounds?
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