I am Clueless Part I: High School and My First Year at DePaul

     The whole purpose of this blog is to get some of the random stuff  bouncing around in my head organized so I can figure it out and dismiss what is just uselessly consuming clock cycles. A recurring theme seems to be: " I can't figure out women"

My teenage years could be a sitcom.

     I sort of had a girlfriend in eighth grade. Her name was Laura and she lived in the next town over (Bloomingdale? or Roselle?). We met in my confirmation class at St. Isidore (was called CCD then, RE now). She went to a different Jr. high school than I did, and would go to Lake Park (a different high school) the following year. We were social in class and a couple of church functions. A couple of times we ditched class and did what teenagers do (don't get the wrong idea - nothing past 1st base, we were 13/14!) We never did manage to go on a date. I got scared when she tearfully told me she loved me, we broke up shortly thereafter. I couldn't return her feelings.

I didn't date in high school, at all.

     Recently I was speaking with someone, I described how when looking back to my high school/college days I was clueless with dealing with girls. I lived in the "friend zone" with several in high school, and I was ok with that.

• as an aside...If I could speak to my younger self - I would advise him not to send flowers to girls while you are in the friend zone (I worked at a flower shop - sending flowers to a girl on her birthday literally cost me the same as buying and mailing a hallmark card) sending flowers was not a big deal to me. Apparently girls in high school rarely receive flowers, so getting some caused issues.
• I feel bad about one of those girls whom I sent flowers to (I'm sorry, I don't even remember her name). She was in my Psychology class. I was a junior. She was either a junior or a sophomore, a little timid, and cute. We would chat - and I was comfortably in the friend zone. Her birthday must have been near the end of the school year because I remember processing the order around graduation (I graduated as a junior, I skipped my senior year). I didn't really think much about it afterwards because I was excited about going away to college. Shortly after the new school year started, she called my house (my mother answered)

                       <girl>"hello, is Jason at home? is he ok?"

                       <mom>"no, he's not at home, may I ask who is calling?"

                       <girl>"It's (insert name), I've been looking for him at school and cannot find him"

                       <mom>"I'm sorry who are you? and where have you been looking for him?"

                       <girl>"I'm (insert name), I'm his girlfriend, I've been looking for Jason all week at school!"

                       <mom>"at Glenbard North?"[the high school we attended]

                      <girl>"yes!"

                       <mom>" I am so sorry, Jason went away to college, he won't be back for several months. He doesn't have a phone in his dorm room, but he checks in once a week. Can I pass         along a message?"

                      <girl>"no, that's ok....."<click>

     Was she looking forward to seeing me all summer? She was pretty shy, how long did it take her to build up the courage to call my home? (how much work did she do to get the number? we weren't 'listed') I didn't think much about it at the time, but looking back I was a jerk. How could I not tell her I was graduating? How could I not call her back and apologize? (Not that she left her number, but I didn't even try)

***

     I did that thing that some people do when they transition to a different school, (the 'summer glow-up') I reinvented myself. I dressed differently. I got contact lenses. I decided I was going to act differently too. I told myself that I would find a girlfriend, I would be social, and go to parties. I would do the things that (I thought) college students did. I would be "cool".

     I wasn't outwardly shy, or timid (I over compensated for my inward insecurities) I was not confident, so I acted - super confident. I wasn't particularly good with girls - so I chatted every girl up I met. I wasn't popular in high school, in college I went to a party almost every night.

The problem was - I was still clueless. it was all a façade. 

I started forming several circles of friends relatively quickly. (freshman year)

• circle 1: freshmen, like me, in several of the same classes as I. so Biology or Chemistry majors (Ralf and Jamie were dating each-other, almost everyone else single) about 1/2 lived on campus
• circle 2: friends at my dorm: roommate, mix of ages, mix of majors - all on campus
• circle 3: friends from "work", theater majors, mixed ages almost all female (or gay).
• circle 4 :friends from other classes but not biology or chemistry
• there was a little overlap with circle 2 and 3, almost none with circle 1.

Before long , my days would go something like this: usually has 17 credits, 2 Science classes (4hrs) 2 humanities classes (3hrs ea) 1 social science/allied field (3 hrs)

• 6:30/7:00-8:00 AM: - wake up, shower, breakfast etc
• 8-10 AM:, English/History classes  (circle 4) or Biology Lab 9:30-12 (circle 1)
• 11 AM-12:Biology lecture (circle 1) or other class 
• noon: lunch (circle 1)
• 1pm -2 Chemistry lecture or chemistry lab 1:30-4pm (circle 1) 
• 2:30-3:30 if not lab some other class (Philosophy, Sociology, Psychology whatever) mostly circle 4
• 4-5/5:30 study/socialize w/ circle 1
• 5:30-6 dinner with ??
• 6-8/9 pm work - circle 3 (I worked about 15 hours a week - work/study job)
• 8-10pm socialize w circle 3 or 3rd wheel with Ralf & Jamie or study
• 9/10pm - 1 or 2 am: party /drink circle 2
• rinse /repeat 

     I acted a little differently with different circles, like I was trying on different personas. There was overlap in how I acted but I was figuring out who I was - who I was reinventing myself into.

     After a few weeks I asked Becki out, we started dating. She was from circle 1 and commuted to school. (my plan to reinvent myself was working, I had a girlfriend, I was in multiple circles of friends/acquaintances - by the way I defined the term- I was "popular").

     I started meeting Becki for breakfast. She would come to my dorm and wake me up (doorbell/intercom - better than an alarm clock) She would "buzz" me to wake me up and I would shower etc. and then meet her in the lobby, eventually she would just come up to the room and we'd chat while I was getting ready - sometimes we'd skip breakfast and we would fool around - if my roommate wasn't there. Sometimes, we'd get lunch to go and we'd fool around before chemistry class. Sometimes, I'd wait to have dinner until she went home - we'd spend the early evening together, fooling around - or strolling if the weather was nice or we'd go out to eat at Pete's Diner. Eventually I'd see her about every other weekend. 

     I was loving life. I had a girlfriend (whom I was in love with, and with whom I loved being with). I was able to balance/juggle my school life, work life, love life and after hours social life by keeping  my "circles" separate.  I felt like I was well-liked and I had lots of friends.

did I mention that I was clueless?

I was completely unprepared for dealing with a jealous girlfriend (and sometimes oblivious to the things that I was doing that made her jealous) 

• Girls liked to greet with hugs, Becki didn't like how one (or two) of the other girls hugged me.
• Girls liked to greet with hugs, Becki didn't like it when someone she didn't know hugged me, especially if her name was Michelle and she was tall and gorgeous and talked about how much fun we had at that party the other night... extra demerits for when Michelle said "oh, you didn't tell me you had a girlfriend.. she's cute"  
• Everyone on our little group (circle 1) became pretty tightly knit. We hung out together, and studied together etc. When someone was feeling down, our little group was a place for emotional support. Why did everyone come to me for emotional support? [Ralf and I were the only male biology majors in the group, 3 others were chemistry majors - so for whatever reason - when Jamie and Ralf were fighting (there was an ongoing joke - Ralf and Jamie fighting was foreplay, they just fought to set up the make up sex)  - she would come crying to me, when Samantha was feeling down - or she needed a hug- she wanted it from me...anyway jealousy ensued]
• birthday gifts or cards given to other girls (I still hadn't learned from high school - gifts mean different things to the receiver vs. the giver) 

did I mention I was (still am) an idiot? I should've  known when someone is interested in me? when is going out with someone 'as a friend' and when is it a date? When are they having fun at my expense? 

• I was chatting with a girl at work (I was the house manager for the student theatre) I suggested (I thought to the group as a whole) that we go to the diner for a late night snack - somehow it only ended up being the two of us - I think she thought is was a date.
• I invited someone form my English class out for lunch, she got angry at me for talking about my girlfriend.. she thought we were on a date.
• I was invited to a friends house to study for a test, and dinner. (unbeknownst to me also to meet her parents! "so this is the young man you told us so much about..." ) what?! 

     So what to do? Becki was unhappy. She was jealous of the attention I was getting (and giving) to other girls, I'm sure she was suspicious of what was going on after she went home. My idealized life was falling apart, I couldn't keep the circles separate. I wanted our relationship to continue to progress I truly loved Becki and wanted her to be happy.

     I'll go into how Becki and I got engaged and married and divorced in a future post. My idiocy/clueless-ness played a role, as did the ignorance of youth, and other things I am not proud of.. but I digress.

I don't think I learned my lesson after that, I made some of the same mistakes when I wasn't a teenager anymore (I'll save that for another post) - for twenty something years no one got hurt (I save that for another post also)